At least in the bar my boss is cool about people coming and hanging out. Long as you're drinking. Not sure it'd be the same if you came and perched on top of a baby grand.
[ Definitely bases his career choices around whether or not he can hang out with Nate tbh ]
Anyway, they've said I can go full time over summer if I want so I've said yeah. [ It's the first time Matt has said anything that even hints that he's not going back to Ireland at the end of term. First time he's even mentioned it at all, really. He doesn't tend to talk about home, pretty much ever. He just needs somewhere to live. ]
Too bad I can't sing, or I could just sprawl out like one of those fancy singers from the 40s. [Nathan those were women who did that. But he's joking anyway.]
Wait- you're sticking around for the summer? You didn't say anything about that.
[ It could almost be unnerving that Nate just gets who caused it, but in truth? It's a relief. It's something he always hides, from just about everyone, like a constant weight on his shoulders.
At first, he just nods. Like it's a betrayal somehow to admit. ]
[ It makes Matt laugh. Not because it's funny, but because logic has no place here. ]
Oh he'd say I had a choice. But he'd say you have a choice too. That you're going against God. You know I used to think that was right?
[ There's disdain in his voice there, disdain that he ever thought that. ]
My Da's a prick, Nate. When I told him he accused me of being queer. If I was like you then... [ he shakes his head.] Well lets just say it's a good job I'm straight.
[ Or at least so harshly conditioned that he thinks he is. ]
[ He knows Nate well enough to know he's getting worked up. ]
Hey it wasn't your fault. I said it because I was telling my ma about you. I'm not ashamed of you or what you are. You're my mate. My best mate. And maybe I'd been away from home long enough I'd got it into my head he wouldn't give a shit.
[ His dad said way worse stuff, but Nate really doesn't need to hear about any of that. ]
[ it stings thinking about what Nate might have gone through when he was young, because Matt knows when he was a kid he was just as bad. He'd have picked on a gay guy because his dad would have been proud of him for it, and his mates would have loved it too. ]
I can handle my da. It's not the worst he's done. I know how to deal with him.
[ but he doesn't, not really. Not unless he means learning how to lock himself in a bathroom until his dad sobered up or lost interest. He hesitates before going on because this is shit he really doesn't talk about. But go on he does. ]
When I was twelve and he found out I wanted to play the piano? I asked him for proper lessons for my birthday. He took my hand and shut it in a door to break my fingers so I wouldn't be able to. Fractured right across them. [ he Gestures to where. ]. Never forgave him for that.
Wish I could, mate. But my da's a respected member of the community. He wouldn't lay a finger on the girls. If he would I'd have never left. Hate leaving my ma with him but she's the one told me to go off follow my dreams. Least I can do is try and make one of them proud.
[ because that's the really shit thing. He still wants his da to be proud of him. Maybe if he got a girl they liked? Maybe if he got married, gave them grandkids? Maybe then ]
You're not a fucking secret Nate, you're my mate. I don't care if you're queer as a fucking rainbow. And you know what if I bat for your team then I'd be all over you. Whoever ends up with you is going to be a lucky tucking man.
[ if only Matt would listen to those bells ringing and what they mean. But he doesn't even see what's right in front of him. ]
Anyway it won't be an issue because I'm not going home. I'm staying here. Going to try and find a flatshare or something.
That's only for a week around dad's birthday. I could still do that. I think you'll make it a week on your own. Or you could actually take them up on the offer to bring you along.
Mate I'm not coming on your family holiday like I'm your boyfriend or something that'd be weird.
[ reactionary, a bit like his dad. But is that it? Or is it just he isn't sure how to be around a family like that. Happy. Seeing what he's missing. Or worried he'd notice something part of him already knows ]
Fuck I'm just thinking if I told my da I actually got a place with the gay guy. His head would explode. I should tell him I fucked you just to see what happens.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Definitely bases his career choices around whether or not he can hang out with Nate tbh ]
Anyway, they've said I can go full time over summer if I want so I've said yeah. [ It's the first time Matt has said anything that even hints that he's not going back to Ireland at the end of term. First time he's even mentioned it at all, really. He doesn't tend to talk about home, pretty much ever. He just needs somewhere to live. ]
no subject
Wait- you're sticking around for the summer? You didn't say anything about that.
no subject
[ When he heard him in the shower who knows, but he did. ]
Yeah going how would be... Well I'm not actually sure I'd have any home to go to.[ Hi Nate, things you didn't know. ]
no subject
That bad?
no subject
You remember that black eye I had when I came back after last Christmas break? Well it wasn't really too much drink and an angry cupboard.
no subject
Your dad? [He knows some. Not much. Just that it's where Matt gets most of his ignorance about gay people from.]
Shit does that... I mean, does it happen a lot?
no subject
At first, he just nods. Like it's a betrayal somehow to admit. ]
Used to. [ His voice is quiet. ]
But better me than the girls. Or my mam.
no subject
no subject
It's how he is. Always has been. Since I was a kid.
[ So yeah, that's his roundabout way of him saying his had has always knocked him about. He glances down. ]
The eye was because I was stupid enough to tell him I was sharing with a gay guy.
no subject
But that's-! It wasn't like you had a choice. We were shoved in there at random.
no subject
Oh he'd say I had a choice. But he'd say you have a choice too. That you're going against God. You know I used to think that was right?
[ There's disdain in his voice there, disdain that he ever thought that. ]
My Da's a prick, Nate. When I told him he accused me of being queer. If I was like you then... [ he shakes his head.] Well lets just say it's a good job I'm straight.
[ Or at least so harshly conditioned that he thinks he is. ]
no subject
[He's trying not to get too upset but he just...hates the idea of Matt getting hurt because of him.]
no subject
Hey it wasn't your fault. I said it because I was telling my ma about you. I'm not ashamed of you or what you are. You're my mate. My best mate. And maybe I'd been away from home long enough I'd got it into my head he wouldn't give a shit.
[ His dad said way worse stuff, but Nate really doesn't need to hear about any of that. ]
no subject
Stupid. It was stupid. You can't reason with people like that, yeah? I learned it quick as a kid and now you need to as well. Just...
[He sets his pizza down in the box, no longer hungry.]
Something could have happened. Something worse.
no subject
I can handle my da. It's not the worst he's done. I know how to deal with him.
[ but he doesn't, not really. Not unless he means learning how to lock himself in a bathroom until his dad sobered up or lost interest. He hesitates before going on because this is shit he really doesn't talk about. But go on he does. ]
When I was twelve and he found out I wanted to play the piano? I asked him for proper lessons for my birthday. He took my hand and shut it in a door to break my fingers so I wouldn't be able to. Fractured right across them. [ he Gestures to where. ]. Never forgave him for that.
no subject
Can you... Tell someone? Get your mum and sisters out of there?
no subject
[ because that's the really shit thing. He still wants his da to be proud of him. Maybe if he got a girl they liked? Maybe if he got married, gave them grandkids? Maybe then ]
no subject
Just..don't say anything about me when you're home, yeah? Not if it's going to make him get like that.
no subject
[ if only Matt would listen to those bells ringing and what they mean. But he doesn't even see what's right in front of him. ]
Anyway it won't be an issue because I'm not going home. I'm staying here. Going to try and find a flatshare or something.
no subject
What if we got a flat together? I could get a job at a shop for the summer or something.
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ reactionary, a bit like his dad. But is that it? Or is it just he isn't sure how to be around a family like that. Happy. Seeing what he's missing. Or worried he'd notice something part of him already knows ]
But you mean it? About the flat?
no subject
Yeah, you're over here all the time anyway. Might as well.
no subject
[ he starts to laugh ]
Fuck I'm just thinking if I told my da I actually got a place with the gay guy. His head would explode. I should tell him I fucked you just to see what happens.
[ no Matthew you shouldn't ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...